This question was posed by the gals over at Broadsheet (Salon.com’s blog for women) after the Los Angeles Times published an article accusing women of just that. Because the L.A. Times used celebrities as examples (i.e. Paris vs. Nicole, Heidi vs. Lauren, Posh vs. Katie), the girls at Broadsheet took offense to the question, suggesting that the trumped up feuds between these famous former BFFs were primarily of the media’s making because, as we all know, conflict sells.
But why is it that behind-the-scenes “catfights” among leading ladies are all to familiar but not so much with leading men? Do men handle disagreements with friends differently or are women just subject to unflattering media-hype and portrayals by a male-dominated society? With the new Sex and the City Movie coming out soon, why do we look to Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte as the girlfriends we all wish we had, only to hear that the movie almost didn’t happen due to disagreements among its stars?
Celebrity tiffs and media portrayals aside, the question IS an interesting one. Are women bad at friendship? There has been a plethora of books recently released dealing with the issue of “girlfriendships” gone wrong (i.e. “What Did I Do Wrong: When Women Don’t Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over” and “The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women’s True-Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out, or Faded Away”) and I for one have witnessed grown women treat others as if we’re all still in high school (think almost middle-aged “Mean Girls”). So what gives?
Though I do believe that society revels in a good catfight, I also think that female-on-female bitchiness is more prevalent than it should be. While we should be each other’s biggest supporters, we somehow end up being each other’s harshest critics. It’s my opinion that some women just never learned how to be a good friend. And not until we learn that important lesson (and I’m convinced that it IS learnable), will our daughters follow suit.
When I showed the two above-mentioned articles to my husband, I got a surprising reaction. He completely disagreed and said that women are far better at friendship then men. He said that we’re better at keeping in touch, remembering birthdays, and better at maintaining long-term friendships in general. It was funny to hear his take (and a bit reassuring).
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Though I’m no expert, there’s one thing I do know, all relationships take work and if you’ve got yourself an honest-to-God BFF, she’s worth her weight in gold…don’t ever let her go!
~tcb
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3 responses so far ↓
1 Emily // May 12, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Hi there - I’m new here and absolutely LOVE your blog.
I think you raise a lot of important points in this post. I do think the media can portray these women in a bad light but we don’t ever really see all of it. I also think that real friends wouldn’t ever speak to the press and slag off their friends so to a certain degree they invite the scrutiny in.
I think the amazing thing about guy friendships is how they maintain friendships with such a low level of effort. Missed a birthday - no big deal. Someone moving - why send a card? Whereas a lot of women expect those things because they do them themselves (I know I do).
The real friends in my life are all women who I’ve almost fallen out with - who I’ve argued with but then we’ve worked our way back to an even stronger friendship - because faced with the alternative we realised that we really are better off working it out…
2 Lauren Busteed // May 18, 2008 at 6:54 pm
This is such a good question to bring up. In my opinion, the media blows things way out of porportion. reporters elaborate alot of the time, and thats why i don’t really beleive the stories. I think women are seen as “high maintenance”, so the press makes it bigger just because, well, they’re women. Women can also be alot more sensitive then men, so we remember birthdays and feel a little more insulted when someone forgets ours. Unfortantly, it’s a man’s world and we just have to deal with it, whcich means, banning the catfight stories! SHUN!
3 Dara // Jan 17, 2009 at 6:59 am
About a year ago I did the “Completely break off a friendship” thing with some one (didn’t know there was a whole book on the subject!). Anyway, this person was suppose to be a close friend and she knew I’d had a couple of late-term miscarriages (one recently) and then I got an e-mail from her announcing her own pregnancy and she included a picture of her sonogram in the e-mail and then went on about how great the sonogram went and how amazing the baby/fetus was! I felt that this was so insensitive (actually it wasn’t the first time she’d been insensitive) that I just couldn’t speak to her anymore. I really felt that there was a element of spite — or “victory” to her e-mail and so I simply cut off all communication with her. People have said that perhaps I ought to inform her why I gave her “the big freeze” - but frankly I was overwhelmed with my own grief (my own miscarriage had only happened a month or so before) and I just couldn’t deal with a confrontation as well. Sometimes I regret not telling why — but I suppose we do the best we can in a situation.
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