Tracy McArdle, author of Confessions of a Nervous Shiksa and Real Women Eat Beef, recently posted an entry on her blog at Skirt.com which really got my fantastical juices flowing. Her post was titled “When I’m a Man” and she listed the things she’d enjoy if she was, well, a man. Tracy asked for others to post their own fantasies, which I did…and I’ve got to say, it was soooooo much fun!
I’m pretty convinced that in my next life I’m going to be a guy (not that I don’t love being a woman, but fair’s fair, right?). To me, there are some definite advantages to having a Y chromosome and I think I deserve the opportunity to take advantage of at least some of them. Besides, fantasizing about being a guy is right up there with my other favorite things to fantasize about (i.e., what I’d do if I had a million dollars and what super power I’d most want - fyi…it’s to be invisible).
The following are five things I’m going to do the first day I walk this earth as a man…and I’m gonna love every minute of it.
- I’m going to hop in the shower, dry off, put on a fresh pair of underwear and jeans and be ready to tackle the day…looking great!
- I’m going to know that I don’t have to worry about missing my grandma’s birthday because my wife is on top of stuff like that.
- I’m going to relish the fact that a) there’s never a line in the men’s bathroom and b) I’ll never have to squat again!
- I’ll casually suggest to my wife that we have another kid, because it won’t be MY internal organs that get rearranged in the process.
- I’m going to thank my lucky stars that getting older really means nothing more than I’m getting sexier!
What would you do? The best comment (meaning the one that makes me laugh the hardest) wins a Cool Broad t-shirt! So come on…let ‘em rip.
~tcb
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Stacy // May 26, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Girl, what kind of search engine hits do you think you are going to get NOW?
1. Have bathroom supplies that consist of nothing more than soap, shampoo, razor, shaving creme, aftershave, toothbrush & paste, and contact solution. Wonder why wife NEEDS to moisturize, exfoliate, straighten, spray, buff, and chisel.
2. Have clothes that consist of jeans, T-shirts, dress shirts, dress pants, one pair of dress shoes, and one pair of sneakers. Wonder why wife needs to have 20 tanks, 20 cap sleeves, 20 three quarter sleeves, 20 long sleeves, 20 sweaters, 20 camis, 20 skirts, 20 dresses, 20 pants, 20 capris, 20 shorts, 20 sneakers, 20 pumps, 20 slides, 20 clogs…
3. Have life completely scheduled. Get lead around by hand, content to ask wife what we are doing today and then sheep along.
4. Conveniently become TheMost sound sleeper in the world when a baby arrives.
5. Yell, “YOUR BABY SMELLS!”, pat baby on back proudly, and walk away.
6. Blame all of my partners problems with me on her hormones.
This is fun.
2 beanball // May 27, 2008 at 8:53 am
I will sit on the sofa with my hands down my pants and not be in the least bit concerned about what my wife/girflriend is thinking!
3 Monkeytoemomma // May 27, 2008 at 2:04 pm
1. I will nod approvingly at my morning wood.
2. I will skip the shower and just spray on a ton of TAG! Ladies watch out, stud mister is on his way.
3. Shave? Who needs to shave? I’m rockin’ the Grizzly Adam’s look!
4. I may or may not sniff pants and wrinkled tee shirt on floor before I put it on. Then I will put on a clean(er), less wrinkly, partially buttoned dress shirt over the top to give the appearance of tidiness.
5. I will don a ball cap in lieu of combing my hair, put on mismatch socks and Skechers, because I’m so hot that no one will care.
4 Lauren Busteed // May 27, 2008 at 5:04 pm
1. I will relish the fact I don’t have to jump on my menstruel cycle and run my husband’s a** over. Also will secretly laugh at wife/girlfriend because she HAS to jump on her menstruel cycle and run my a** over. Ha!
2 Gain as much weight as I can in three days. Who cares if i’m bigger? When your a man, bigger just means there’s more to love. (at least thats what I’ll put in the personal adds when i’m bored, even though I already have a wife/girlfriend.)
3.Laugh as I walk through the city in my dirty shirt and pants. I promise you, with the way I sweat, I’ll be propelling people as if I have a 30-foot forcefield all around me.
4. Go to Starbucks and web surf just to hog the computer and annoy the people who actually have to do work around me.
5. Go to the fanciest resturaunt i can find, eat so much I’ll have to pay by doing dishes, and belch as loud as I can. Who needs manners when you can annoy sooooo many people!?
6. Finally go to mother’s house and play ding-dong-ditch. Sooo fun!
7.Go home and pretend I’ve been locked in the bathroom all day. Tell wife/girlfriend she went insane and the house is surrounded by police. Then tell her I’m not really her husband/boyfriend, I’m just a menstruel hallucination.
5 Lori // May 27, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Be happy in the fact that I only need 4 pairs of shoes - dress shoes, work boots, sneakers, and flip flops!
6 And we have a winner! // Jun 2, 2008 at 9:33 pm
[…] When I come back as a guy […]
7 Lauren Busteed // Jun 10, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I got hopnorable mention. Awesomeness!
8 Cool Tune: Weezer “Perfect Situation” // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:01 am
[…] had been a while since I’d heard this song but I LOVE it and it’s TOTALLY about me (if I were a guy) and the best part is - the music at the beginning is enough to get me charged up to do […]
9 Can women pee standing up? Do we want to? // Sep 8, 2008 at 1:13 pm
[…] feel about this. Am I just an old dog that can’t learn a new trick? Is this product taking an age-old envy a bit too far? Do we really want to be able to do EVERYTHING that men can do? (Are the feminists […]
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