Every time I turn around another celebrity has their own reality show. EVERY TIME! But can you blame them? Starring in a reality show does seem to move D-list celebrities to a much better list and if you’re one of those lucky nobodies who scores a show…you automatically get a career. And I want a career.

Take Lauren Conrad from The Hills. She was just another teenager before her lucky break in MTV’s Laguna Beach, but after only one season, she found herself starring in her own show, scored a highly coveted internship with Vogue magazine, launched a clothing line (which she may or may not design herself), and her roommate, Audrina, apparently commands $10K just to show her pretty mug at an interested nightclub. I’d take just having my drinks paid for…really, I’m cheap!

There’s also Denise Richards, who I’d never thought twice about (well, not until she asked for Charlie Sheen’s sperm in the divorce agreement), but then I saw this clip from her reality show where she called a journalist the
c-word. I’d say pussy on camera…honest, I would!

And last night as I channel surfed, I caught part of Pamela Anderson’s new reality show which, strangely enough, is shot with grainy, overexposed film (no doubt so as not to spoil any fantasies about the leading lady when they go in for a 40-year-old close-up…she’s been livin’ hard). Shoot me with one of those fuzz filters…I’d look awesome, I swear!

Even so, I’m not sure anyone would find my little existence too terribly interesting and to be honest, I’m terrified of cameras and freeze up every time someone points one at me. And, of course, there’d be a FEW conditions for the the camera crew if, in fact, I had my own show.

1.  The lense would have to be so fuzzy that you wouldn’t be able to see one pore, and maybe not even my nostrils;
2.  They’d only be able to shoot me from my right side (I don’t even let my husband see my left side);
3.  They’d only be able to shoot me after an intense hair and makeup session and ONLY if I’d gotten 9 hours of sleep the night before;
4.  Speaking of sleeping, they wouldn’t be able to shoot me sleeping (my mouth hangs open and I grind my teeth);
5.  They can’t shoot me when I’ve got tweezers in my hand (I’d rather not divulge what I do with tweezers);
6.  All accidental snorting MUST be edited out; and
7.  This would have to be my theme song.

So maybe I should start looking for a different career because it doesn’t appear as if I’m cut out for “reality star”. And even though I HAVE been known to take the dog for a walk at night so I can look into people’s houses (from the road…I’m not a stalker), I really don’t care about other people’s lives.

Oh…but who thinks Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out gets his lips plumped?

~tcb

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