Never miss a post! 
Isn’t it amazing how a beautiful child can stop us in our tracks? Last spring, I volunteered at my son’s school and while I was surrounded by twenty-five rambunctious 3rd graders, my eyes were drawn to one gorgeous 8-year-old girl. A child who no doubt elicits a similar reaction in most adults and probably gets told how pretty she is on a fairly regular basis.
Admittedly, my eyes weren’t drawn to the awkward little girl with tangled hair and glasses. No, they were drawn to her tall, slender friend with great coloring and perfect bone structure. And honestly, I didn’t feel very good about that.
But it’s natural for us to be enamored by beauty (even in a child). We’re human and human beings are aesthetic creatures. We love all things beautiful…beautiful art, beautiful homes, and beautiful sunsets.
Even so, how many boring, self-absorbed, beautiful women have you met? Well, I’ve met lots and with most of them, it almost seems as if their personality was never fully developed. Why? Maybe because their beauty generated enough interest from others so there was never a need to be more than a pretty face (because let’s face it…being attractive can be pretty lucrative).
Now, Cool Broads can absolutely be beautiful, but they are most definitely NOT BORING.
Howard Stern even extolled the benefits of dating a beautiful girl who used to be an ugly duckling (and you know he must’ve made an interesting point because I’d rather yank out a clump of hair than quote Howard Stern). He argued that women who haven’t always been gorgeous tend to be more interesting and less likely to act like someone who knows she’s beautiful (which I took to mean not nice).
Society’s attitudes toward beauty are so incredibly interesting and their impact on human development is so complex, and I’m no expert. But I do know that I’d like to raise my two boys to value more than just beauty.
Let me ask you this…when your child comes home from school and mentions a little boy or girl that they like, is your first response, “Is he cute?” or “Is she pretty?”
I’ve done it (and hate to admit it, because come on, that ain’t cool). But now, I try really hard to ask, “Is she fun to be around?” or “Does she make you laugh?” Because this Cool Broad IS NOT going to raise any modelizers.
And I have no idea how you gals with daughters do it. Do you tell your child how beautiful she is, hoping to foster a healthy self-esteem, or do you avoid complimenting your child on something that really is beyond her control, and something she doesn’t have to work at (because chances are, others will let her know that she was born lucky)?
Obviously, we all want for our children to be confident and happy, but I also want my kids to be perceptive, empathetic, and interesting. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of grey area with respect to how to go about raising them that way.
But growing up with a strong sense of self might just be the most valuable gift we could ever give our kids. That and the tools to become Cool Broads (and Dudes). So how do we go about doing that? What are your thoughts?
~tcb
Want more? Click here to subscribe to “that cool broad”.
10 responses so far ↓
1 Barbara // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Same goes for men…there are certainly exceptions, but many jocks who have the world handed to them at a young age do not develop the ability to deal with problems later in adult life…they have not had the luxury of learning from having to struggle. Kids are very resilient and can deal with and learn from their losses much better than many adults. I’m certainly not saying that being a talented athlete is the kiss of death, but it must be dealt with on a mature basis.
2 Woody // Sep 25, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I don’t have children but I do have some very wise friends. They have always made a point to praise their children based on character rather than outward appearance which can fade or scar. I have to say they have raised some of the most balanced and mature young people that I have ever met.
3 thatcoolbroad // Sep 25, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I would love to hear their secret, Woody. If you ever get any tips from them…please share!!
4 Emily // Sep 25, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I was the ugly duckling and my sister was the “pretty one” (my parents weirdly had some sort of label for each of us - not great for anyone’s development). Although she’s not as bad now she spent her teens and 20’s convinced that the world owed her something and that she would never have to work to get things done (annoyingly it was often true) - she even dumped guys regularly if they didn’t buy her enough presents! I try to encourage and praise empathy. courage, strength and kindness instead of looks. And (although it disgusts me) I agree with Howard Stern ugly ducklings have learned that looks don’t mean nearly as much as friendship and strength - my favourite women are ones that have had to discover their beauty - rather than being beaten over the head with it.
5 socalgirl // Sep 25, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I think telling a child she is beautiful all of the time can create a lot of pressure for her, or teach her that her value closely tied to her physical appearance. The problem is, when that beauty fades, she may feel like she’s worthless.
It’s like telling a kid he’s smart. It’s better to tell him that you are proud of his hard work and commitment, IMO.
6 Tricia // Sep 25, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Great post! I think we do it by exposing them to all sorts of things that aren’t centered around physical beauty. We help them to create successes from an early age that have nothing to do with their physical attributes. We can find ways for them to participate in their communities, to experience other cultures, to travel, etc…learning to play to their strengths, and to their curiosities.
Of course it’ll be at least another decade before I can report back and let you know if I’ve raised a cool dude, or not.
Tricias last blog post..Wall Street & D.C. Have Hijacked My Muse
7 Monkeytoemomma // Sep 26, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I think that it’s innate to be drawn to beautiful people – it’s a survival mechanism. We see it all the time in the animal kingdom; the biggest, broadest stud with the largest antlers gets the girl. When I was in psych, we were told of a study that had babies look at various faces. They would respond to the “pretty” or ascetically pleasing people - smiling, cooing, so on. They’ve done tons of studies on whether pretty people get paid more. According to these studies, pretty people will get hired over a more qualified “ugly” person. I don’t know, maybe it’s more a confidence thing than a beauty thing.
Do I think that beautiful girls can grow up to be balance, kindhearted, and interesting women? Absolutely. I think I have four beautiful daughters – I’ve been told that many time; perhaps it’s just politeness, but it still makes me proud. That said, I don’t think their appearance is the most important thing – beauty will get you far, but brains will get you further. We tell them they look pretty when they are dressed nicely, have their hair combed, teeth brushed – you know, groomed. But we don’t sit around on a daily basis telling them how gorgeous we think they are. That would be ridiculous, and shallow. We stress more emphasis on their education than beauty; although, I do try to instill the importance of personal hygiene. Bottom line, we don’t let them get away with things just because they are pretty. I think that’s where parents of pretty kids go wrong.
Monkeytoemommas last blog post..Monkeying Around
8 Monkeytoemomma // Sep 26, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Came back to add that pretty kids also get more attention from teachers.
Monkeytoemommas last blog post..Monkeying Around
9 Pia // Sep 26, 2008 at 2:13 pm
You do post some interesting ideas cool one. You know, I have a gorgeous daughter. I do not recall ever telling her how beautiful she is.
I found such comments made toward myself as a child to be very introverting. I now can take a complement when given one and thank the giver. We did tell her how much we loved her and how important she was, and is as with our 3 sons. (The youngest was told how cute he was constantly by relatives and family friends) We instilled in our children the idea of being interested, in learning, in life, in others etc…rather than be interesting.
People who try to be interesting are boring, self centered, poor listeners and no fun to be around.
You can have a beautiful boy or girl, man or woman who does not have attention stuck on self, who is interested in others and in creating good effects on those around them.
Even now at age 24 my youngest son still gets by with a lot, but he also has great manners and grants importance to the other person rather than be self absorbed.
10 Stacy // Sep 29, 2008 at 11:59 am
My daughter is only a year and a half, but I try very hard to not only tell her that she is beautiful, but to tell her what a good job she has done on something, how helpful she is, how nice she was for picking everything up without me asking, etc. We highly praise her for how much she loves books and encourage it as much as possible.
Stacys last blog post..A fairly accurate picture of my usual life
Leave a Comment